Stone Lion - Black Rock version: 05/01/2002

Some interesting quiz results...

I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by
Peaceful Chaos

If i was a serial killer i would be Albert Fish.

Albert Fish was a masochistic, pedophile obsessed with religious themes such as sin, sacrifice, and redemption through pain. It is believed that he would force his own children to beat him with a nail studded paddle until he bled. He would also stick nails underneath his finger nails,into his groin, his scrotum and his anus. He forced himself to eat feces and would stick alcohol soaked cotton balls up his anus and set them on fire.

Fish believed that God wanted him to castrate boys, which he would do over the course of many years, finally to be caught for kidnapping, murdering and eating a 10 year old girl. Fish claims to have molested over four hundred children. Police charged him with eight but suspect him on fifteen.

Kill count: unconfirmed

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!

Which Action Star Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

Thank goodness for that last one...

People who read this blog (that I´m aware of so far...):
- The Lioness
- My Blue-Eyed Teddy Bear
- A Foreign Elf

And occasionally, my brother catches a glimpse of something over my shoulder. But he has an admirably short attention span for these things...

There... I guess that´s all of them. Anyone I´m not aware of?

Ah! Winter is here again!!

Yes... For those of you who are curious to know about me, this is all I´ll give you: I live in the southern hemisphere.

Winter. Time for dressing up. It had been ages since I wore gloves. They give me some false sense of warmth. But my hands remain cold. Nonetheless, it looks savy! Cold hands remind me of Sati. She had cold hands no matter the weather.
Winter is Marcus´ favourite weather. Whereas Azrael dazzles me every summer. I guess Marcus likes winters because they cause such introspection. He was born on a very cold winter when I was particularly depressed. And ever since, winters haven´t been the same. Having your cinism gnaw at all your flaws every winter sure bites. But I guess I´ve been able to keep him satisfied and hushed this year.

I´m amazed at the way she can write so much every day!
Five posts minimum! I get about a post every two days...

Latest news:
- I think the Fairy studies architecture... I saw her today with one of those strange T-shaped rulers.
- I had one of those serious chats with the Lioness. I thought about changing my blog adress. These things I write were hurting her, I thought. But all things settled, I´ll remain here.
- I believe I´m being stalked by a girl in the art course. She´s taken a special kind of interest in me. Sort of thing that gets you wondering... Let´s call her my Admirer. But as my luck goes, I´m obviously not interested...
Have I matured to the point where I can actually notice these things? I mean, I´m soooooo naive... I usualy don´t notice girls who take an interest. But in less than a week I have noticed Amber Eyes and my Admirer. Or maybe I´m just getting cocky. Either way, things are working out.

Sigh

If only my Blond Muse or the Fairy would take an interest...

domingo, maio 19, 2002

On another note, my "Sister-in-Law-to-be" came to my place before we went to the party, as usual. Only this time she appeared with three other girls. I was kinda hoping one of them was a friend she was supposed to present to me a few weeks ago. But she couldn´t make it: financial problems. For a second there, there was this one girl who had her back to me when I came into the room. By the way, I looked aweful: I was finishing my Mother´s Day gift. It was a huge flat blue line on mom´s bedroom wall: the ocean. Along with a deserted island and a cruise ship. Few clouds overhead.
Anyway, when that girl turned around and all hopes of finaly meeting that friend of hers melted away, I was greeted by wonderful Amber Eyes. We got along quite nicely. She seemed interested in my things, my art. She reminded me of someone. Of two people merged into one, actualy. But I can´t still say for sure who they are. She just seems mildly familiar. Something rings in the back of my mind.
Sis called her over to be a blind date to my Hyperactive friend. But since they weren´t exactly thrilled about each other, guess who ended up with her... Hyperactive didn´t mind at all: he had gotten lucky with some nice blonde. So I spent a whole night imersed in those amber eyes...

And still thanking Big Mama from the bottom of my psycho-with-a-camera heart!!

It had been quite a while since I last went out with the gang from school. Call it the Pasta Gang. As usual, I won´t explain.
But when birthdays come around we get out of our coffins...

Before we got into the place, I was given wonderful news. It seems the Big Mama is clearing up misunderstandings between me and a certain Blonde Muse of mine. Last semester the university had one of those sport events. And she was there, and I was there, we were all there. And my camera was there. So, why not? I used a zoom lens to take a few shots of her. She didn´t notice the first one. But after a while she seemed obviously bothered. Who was that psycho with the camera? I meant her no harm, honestly. All I wanted was the curves and colours of her beautiful face. If I had a video camera, I might have captured her dancing: she moved ever so gracefuly.
Time came and went. I gave serious thought to coming over to her and apologizing form my inconvenience. But after a while I thought it might have seemed a little awkward.
Big Mama started the psichology course this year. Along with a very special aquaintance: my Blonde Muse´s sister (who has a remarkable resemblance to the Lioness, I must say...). They became good friends after a while. And eventualy, Big Mama met Blonde Muse.
Then, one day, Big Mama was at my place, an casualy saw my artwork. Among all things, there was a black and white photo where Blonde Muse´s face appeared in a slight transparency in the background. She asked if Blonde Muse knew about this. Maybe. Not in the most apropriate way, actualy. All things explained, she began, hopefully out of the kindness of her heart, to clear out misunderstandings between us. She explained I was an art student, offered to show some of my work some day and helped to clear my image of a psycho with a camera. I spent the rest of that night thanking her deeply!

quinta-feira, maio 16, 2002

I just got home... Crap: I think I´m in love again!!

It´s been a few days since I´ve seen a little Fairy at one of my universities. I have no idea what´s her course, her name, not even her age. But I just can´t seem to take my eyes off her. How could this happen? Beats me... You guys must be familiar with this scene: you´re minding your own business when, out of the blue, comes a girl. You land your eyes on her for a few measly little seconds and whisper "woa!", but since you´re on some sort of errand, you disregard the occurance. Normally you just record it in your head as "some nice piece of ass" or another one of those gross male statements. And the next time you see her, you don´t even think much about it. But there are those very rare occasions when you see her for the second time and go "woa!" again. No, it´s not a lapse of memory (Ok, sometimes it is...): you really seem impressed.
But you see us men, we have a real dificulty with feelings. A character in a movie once said that men are too rationel. So when you ask about their feelings about something, they have to pack their bags, migrate to the other side of the brain for field study and then journey back to analise the data. So it takes a while for these things to hit us.
Anyways, I was leaving the university today and saw the Fairy on the corridor ("woa!"). And I began to wonder what if I went over and asked her name. And her course. You know, start a conversation... Just for the heck of it. And that´s when it hit me: I could be in love. Pack your bags guys, we´re migrating!! Cause, you see, I drove home today thinking about us both toghether. And strangely enough, it seemed like the right thing. That´s the other thing about men: no matter how rational, when they do fall in love, they start imagining these Meg-Ryan-movie things (sorry for snatching another of your quotes, Lioness...).

I thought I´d never fall in love again. Not after Sati, my little redhead. Three years have gone by since then. Maybe four: I get confused... I learned to love Makel out of the things she did, but I lacked this feeling. She´d comment about how my eyes would shine every time I spoke of Sati. But not when I spoke of her. Indeed: I lacked this feeling.
But alas, not all is lost. I can still feel. I feel as if a dorment part of me had just awakened.

terça-feira, maio 14, 2002

The photo studio is up and running again!!
Do you know what that means?

Yes! More ghosts!

I scheduled a session for the last afternoon. It was marvelously messy! Ketchup and ham as makeover for flesh! I can´t wait to develop these!!!

(Ok, those of you who don´t know my photography work, disregard all this crap...)

segunda-feira, maio 13, 2002

Alas, I didn´t go to the movies last saturday.
And I didn´t tape "Ninja ressurection" for the Lioness either...

The house seemed deliciously empty. I knew no one was coming: my parents had gone to grandma´s and my brother went with them. I had stayed behind, to work on some personal projects. As noon came, I met Lioness through the Internet and made plans of going out with her and friends at night. I was hoping she´d take a little special someone I wanted to meet. But she couldn´t make it.
I knew the Lioness was coming, though. She´d meet me at my place and then we´d meet her friends at the bar we were going. Plans were that I´d go see "Queen of the Damned" with her. We had heard the critics on the movie and we didn´t care. But I knew what would eventualy happen. I knew what having her at home with no possibility of my parents showing up meant.

It was different this time.

A few days ago, the day I heard of my cousin´s death, to be precise, we had a very tough and serious conversation. She finally cracked and admitted she had a serious thing for me. That she wanted more than just casual sex. A relationship. But she knew that someone else had tryied to demand such a thing from me and I had learned not to make that mistake again. But I understood that I was being too cold... I understood that I was hurting her by denying her.
Nonetheless, she came to my place last saturday. And what I thought would happen, did happen. But this time there was some understanding. Some tenderness. And when it was over she still wanted more.
In the end we stayed there. The house was deliciously empty. And deliciously quiet. In the times of Makel, we were always on alert. Parents could show up at any moment. Sex was some forbidden thing we did quietly and then scurried about to find our clothes and whipe out traces. But not this time.
We stayed there, naked. The door to my room was opened: I could feel the whole house. Empty. It was my house. We just lay there. Dim lighting from the corridor. Silence. I stayed a long time caressing her back, talking about petty things. For the first time in my life I had time and control over the situation to be able to enjoy the aftermath. To enjoy the feeling of us both naked holding each other on the verge of sleep.
We looked into each other´s eyes for a long time. In the dim light, my eyes captured her as tiny red and blue dots, like the images on a television screen. It was enough time to burn into my mind the image of her eyes, the shape of her head. A while longer and I might have been able to draw her lips. But then it was time to go.

sábado, maio 11, 2002

Well...
Cousin is dead and burried. I did what I could. I went to his funeral, I told him to quit the bulsh*t. I told him several times to get up and stop pretending. But he was so stuborn! He just stayed there. He was practicaly freezing to death. I felt his hand: it was as cold as my hand when I stay up at night writting. When they closed the coffin, I stayed near, so I could hear him knocking if he decided to cut the crap. But he was brave. And when they lowered him into the catacombs beside his father, I said: "It´s your last chance to stop this!". Silence. There´s no use in screaming any more. No one can hear him now.

On a more practical side, his organs were donated. I heard it afterwards. Good. That means he goes on. His components will work on other machines. That´s what we are. Just machines made of flesh. A collection of physical and chemical reactions. I never believed much of that stuff about souls. I´ll donate all of my stuff when I go. Nothing must go to waste.

They cut his hair... Please don´t let them cut my hair when I´m gone (except if my brain is to be of some use...). Cousin lost all his likeness to Peter Pan when they cut his hair. And even though I do hate my hair (one of the things the Lioness is tired of hearing...), I´m proud of how wild and untammed it makes me look. Like the Pan himself.

sexta-feira, maio 10, 2002

A couple of smart remarks:

"I fall in love with people, not with dicks or vaginas"
Lioness

"In love triangles, there has to be a homossexual. Otherwise, it´s just an open angle."
Little ol´ me...

"Being a man is the art of denial"
Some guy´s voice at the university

quinta-feira, maio 09, 2002

A sad note.
A cousin of mine passed away. Aneurism. The kind of thing you don´t expect.
Or do you?
His family was an emotional rollercoaster. His father commited suicide when he was about twelve. Shot himself in the head after losing a great deal of money on stock markets. His mother married again to a wealthy man with three nice-looking daughters who took them all to Pitsburg. His sister hated the place and the people. She left home a year later to live with grandma back here.
Now he´s dead. And I wonder about the effects of that on his mother and sister(s). You could have expected the father´s death. But not the son´s. Now they have tasted death in two "flavours". And the family is left with no men except a stepfather.

My cousin was an interesting person. I felt some distant similarity to him. As if he was Peter Pan before me. He was one sort of person I´d like to be. People spoke of him as a cunning, witty person. Someone who was fast-paced, adventurous. Maybe too fast-paced: at mid-twenties he seemed not too sure about what he wanted to do for a living, or even with his life. But I hadn´t spoken to him for quite some time. Maybe he had already found a way.
I think of him as someone who was ahead of me on a long journey. As I came across places he had already been, I heard tales of his deeds. And not to often I found him along the way, in the flesh, looking perky as a young lad. But recently we had taken different directions. And word of him ceased to exist. Last I heard, he had stopped. Stagnated while I moved on my own path.

Rest now, cousin.
*Sigh* The road seems much more dangerous when no tales of it are told...

terça-feira, maio 07, 2002

Don´t you just love it when the next edition of your favourite comic book comes out?
I´m a big fan of japanese comics. I bought this month´s edition on my way to the barber shop. I almost couldn´t keep myself from reading it before I got there. I wanted to read it while I got my hair cut. But the barber was so quick that, by the time he finished, there were still about ten pages to be read! It´s such a nice feeling. Kinda like saving the best for last or eating the sugar that´s left on the bottom of the glass after you´ve had chocolate milk.

segunda-feira, maio 06, 2002

Let´s cut to the chase on this one...
It had been an awful morning. I felt dismally proud of having my first hangover. Twenty years and I had never gotten drunk... But thanks to one of Lioness´ drinking games... I had thrown up until I was left with nothing in my stomach. And then I threw up some more. Between one trip to the bathroom and the other, I lay down on a net in the veranda and drifted in and out of consciousness, dreaming about people yet to be met. NOTE: we were spending the weekend at a friend´s beach house.
On one of my awakenings, I got a glimpse of the Lioness. She was cleaning up the place, feeling as sober as ever, even though she drank as much as I did the night before. She danced in the veranda and smiled at me sometimes. She dazzled me. It amazed me to see how she thrived on the morning after. How she thrived over chaos. Can I keep up with her? I was beggining to see the beauty in her.
I have to get her out of my head. I can´t fall in love with her. Because eventually, this magic will wear off. And then I´ll beggin to notice a thousand little flaws in her. And I´ll begin to hurt her. Finally I´ll end up hurting her deeply and hurting myself even more.

If I could give you one tip on relationships, it would be this: "beware of temporary spells". Yes, beware. For it will take much more courage to break someone`s heart than it took to take the first kiss or to make a commitment. And you´ll find yourself in a very stressful situation in the end. So think it through, or face the consequences.

She looked so beautiful when she was smiling happily like that...

Doesn´t everybody?

Her face lit up, making her a totally different person. It excluded the apathy and depression that were always there.

She took good care of me that day. In part because she felt rather guilty about starting that drinking game the night before. She bought some medicine for me and took me for a stroll at the beach. I felt better if I just kept on walking. It seemed I was running from my sickness. Eventually, I colapsed on the sand. My body felt strangely tired from fighting the sickness. Lioness laughed at me. She said she could see the tabloid headlines: "Grandson of famous actor sick at the beach". Blessed be my Lioness...

JUST A NOTE HERE: If you´ve never had sex when you were REALLY drunk, you don´t know what you´re missing...

Last friday was the second rehearsal of Huis Clos. I guess we are getting along. I found out that Lioness isn´t as fond of Mermaid as I thought... Heck, who knows... Maybe this might help portrait the conflicts between Estelle and Ines. We decided to get one of their friends to play the servant in the beggining. And that wraps it up...

And then it was time to take a shower and go. Lioness had told me the other day that she wanted to shower with me. As I had said, I love this sexual tension. Mermaid obviously knew what we were up to. But she remained in the living room, reading.
We had an extremely awkward moment right before we got in the shower: as she had said before, we had never seen each other naked.

quarta-feira, maio 01, 2002

Ok... Chapter two.
I don´t call her Blue-eyed Teddy Bear for nothing. I know this is totally inpolite to say, but I believe the disaster would have been worse if she wasn´t such a big girl. Most of it fell on her lap.
We got home after a lot of "I´m so sorry"s from her and "Never mind that"s from me. I got her out of the car. She was much better now. Well, at least she could walk on a straight line and she was recovering most of her rational thought... Her street was completely deserted except for a man somewhere wearing a black trenchcoat that reminded me a lot of Marcus. Was he there? I don´t know. The fact is, at least he wasn´t yaking about all the rational bulsh*t he usually yaks about. Instead, Smith was aiding me in dealing with the situation.
We sat on the entrance to her building while she smoked a cigarrette. And she was telling me that she would be eternally grateful. You know... It touched me somehow. Because I could see in her blue eyes that se had lost faith in people. That she had lost faith in kindness. And my actions (taking her home without a single word of regret or even anger for my car...) made her believe in all that again, even if only for a while, even though she might not even have remembered all that the next day. I told her that I was a monster. That I could hurt a lot of people and get great pleasure out of it. Like I had hurt the Lioness. Like I would hurt any girl who didn´t inspire me enough. And if I didn´t do these small acts of kindness, how would I save my soul (Not that I believe in any of that...)? How would I live with myself. It was, I guess, the first time I had done an act of kindness and felt good about it. It almost made me forget about the wreck in my car (at least until I had do deal with it the next day...)
I went home that night, pleading aid from the City. The City shows the way sometimes. Specially in those quiet hours before dawn.

Stone Lion - Black Rock version

quarta-feira, maio 29, 2002

terça-feira, maio 28, 2002

segunda-feira, maio 27, 2002

domingo, maio 26, 2002

sábado, maio 25, 2002

quinta-feira, maio 23, 2002

terça-feira, maio 21, 2002