Hey!! I finally scanned the picture I took of Mariana, the portrait of Nana-chan!
Behold:



And here's the reference:

From "The things people say" ("Weird quotes" on my link box):

"Why am i afraid of dolls? They have perpetual smiles, that is just unnatural and very disturbing."
Annonymous

Reminds me of Makel, who became affraid of her childhood toy after some very disturbing nightmares...

Remind me to post a bundle of comments to the Foreign Elf once darn freakin' enetation gets back to work...

Outburst of maddness...

And so, it was 1:30pm and I had half an hour to get to the university for one of my classes. And so, just then, the rain began.
And so, my car was dangerously out of gas and I had promised myself I would ride my bike to the university on wednesdays.

1:35 ==> Pan: Heck... I`m going anyway.
Pan packs his backpack with a towel, his notebook, cell phone, wallet and an extra shirt.

1:40 ==> Pan: (Just exiting the garage mounted on his bike) Who am I kidding!?

1:42 ==> Pan: (Soaking and completely careless) WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!! XD

1:55 ==> Pan: (Realising he should also have brought an extra pair of pants when he starts feeling his backside completely wet...) Oh, crap...

2:05 ==> Pan: (Parking his bike near the university building, being watched by nearly twenty people with huge question marks floating above their heads) *wears a fun-loving little smile*

2:06 ==> Pan: (steps into the building and feels that horrendous squishing sound from his sneakers) Crap again...

2:08 ==> Pan: (in the bathroom, twisting his clothes and drying himself when he notices that he left that extra shirt at home...) F*cking crap!!

2:15 ==> Girl who takes the wednesday class with Pan: Nope, no classes. There`s a note on the door upstairs saying the teacher can`t come today
Pan: (Containing himself not to scream this out loud) Mother f*ucking piece o`sh*t!

2:30 ==> Pan Oh well... (Goes out into the rain to jump in the puddles) Wheeeee!! XD

I'll be blunt this time...

You Are A Carnal Kisser!

For you, kissing is just an appetizer - and a brief one at that.

It's not unusual for your hands to wander elsewhere when kissing,

even on a first date.

Truth be told, you much rather be kissed some where other than your lips!



How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

HELL YES!!!!

You Are a Henna Gaijin!

You're not Japanese, but you wish you were!

You can use chopsticks with your eyes closed, and you've memorized hundreds of Kanji.

You even answer your phone "moshi moshi."

While the number of anime videos you've seen is way higher than the number of dates you've been on, there's hope.

Play the sexy, mysterous gaijin, and you'll have plenty of Japanese meat.



What's *Your* Japanese Subculture?

Right again... unfortunately.

I just had a very interesting little experience...
But wait, allow me to start somewhere else.
I haven`t gotten along with mother`s opinions for some time now. At first, I thought it all came from the incidents with Makel, but I came to realize it started some time before that. Well, never mind how it started. The fact is, although I tend to agree with her most of the times (if not always save exactly for the incident mentioned before...), her opinions always tend to leave me ill-tempered. And I never quite understood why, if I do agree with her.

Anyway, today I arrived home soaking wet from the rain outside. Don`t get me wrong, I love rain just as much as my Lioness and one of the greatest feelings is to arrive home soaking wet like that. But it had been such an excruciating day of traffic-induced stress and shifting weather, that I was terribly worn-out. And then, the first thing she says to me, after barely asking me about my day, is if I had done anything about my car`s flat tire. The last thing I`d want to think about was fixing a darn tire...
See, I think that`s the whole point. Even though she`s right about things (I do need to fix my tire ASAP...), she usually picks the worst conceivable moment to demand something. I can take a hint in these occasions: I know I`m not supposed to be asking for money when my parents are arguing about bills, for instance. But these things seem to completely evade mom`s perception

Updating the "current projects" section:

I finished my video (My reasons for that)!!! Looks great. Almost like the inicial idea.
I also finished 4 Dimensions. But it didn't turn out like I expected...
I took my Photo ghosts out of this section because they're evolving into something not as simple as photography. But I have to elaborate it further to write it down here. It'll probably be my final work in the art course!

As promissed on my tag board:

Surreal revelations IV:

It is logically impossible to fully know someone.
It's actually a very simple dilema. You know a certain amount of things about yourself. After all, you've lived with yourself all your life (duh...). Some people undergo therapy to know more about themselves, supposing it will bring some sort of enlightenment, make their lives more complete. However, you will never understand completely the way you are seen and understood by other people, other entities, simply because they are other entities, a different point of view, another identity. You will never fully understand the impact you figure and your atitudes have on other people. Even if they try to explain it.
Likewise, other entities will never completely know you because, even though some of them might accompany you 24-7, they are not you. They can't know how does it feel to be you. They can only comprehend up to a certain point. Just as you can only know yourself up to a certain point.

Is any of this making any sense?

Dadaist revelation II:
New colours, same old mistakes....

Only this time I got away with it!!!

BLUE
Final Ending Theme for Cowboy Bebop sung by Yoko Kanno

Never seen a blue sky
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
And moving closer
There's something about blue
Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No I couldn't answer

Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
And images that might be real
May be illusion
Keep flashing off and on
Free
Wanna be free
Gonna be free
And move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Feels so free
Gotta know free
Please
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
I'm so free
No black and white in the blue

Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream you know
That's never ending
I'm ascending

Would you believe it if I told you I just agreed to being part of a photography session done by one of the girls in the advertising course based on Mapplethorpe? Of course you would if you know me well enough... Known for the sexual content in his photography, he's been censored in many countries. Down here, we had his pictures on one of our museums, the one in the park. Of course, it was only allowed for people over a certain age, but the imbecils at the museum forgot that those windows are huge... Needless to say, Mapplethorpe was viewed by a number of young little perverts who didn't understand much, but enjoyed all the body parts...

Right... If you didn't understand what was that lobster a few posts back, don't worry. You're not supposed to. That was just a Dadaist revelation.

See, Surreal revelations are complicated, sometimes oniric logic patterns that happen to me every now and then, mostly product of my schizotypal mind. I write them down here so that maybe you guys will join me in thinking about these weird things. Who knows, maybe we can come up with the hidden meanings of the universe (yeah, right...). They are suuposed to make you think. Dadaist revelations, as the name indicates are simply meant to be chaotic to the public in general. While they do have some logic to certain specific people, they remain illogical to everyone else. So don't try to understand them... Sort of an internal joke thing.

A couple of interesting blogs from the guys at the university:
From the other side
The dreamstone

Way to go, guys!!

By the way, what the heck is massacration? I think I have an idea of who it belongs to...

Ok... Some of you guys have questioned and demanded to know why is it that I write in english if I live in a country that doesn't have english as it's native tongue.

It's quite a tale.
When I began to write this, I chose english for three particular reason. First, because I thing english tends to flow better. And besides, the grammar is simple (for me, at least, although I tend to make a load of mistakes... Sorry) if compared to my native tongue's grammar. Secondly I figured, since this is the internet and what I write will travel the globe, I might as well do it in the language I know that has the biggest number of speakers. And last but not least, there's a thought about my native country. You see, when you mention that you live in a country such as mine, a bundle of mistaken concepts are wrought in the head of foreigners. And I didn't want that screwed up label on my opinions. I just wanted them to be opinions of an annonimous person. So I refused to write any information that would identify me. My real name, my city, my country, my language. After a while, it got a whole other meaning. See, even though I supressed these informations, it ain't hard for a frequent reader to guess what country I'm from. And besides, most readers are close friends of mine and countrymen. So this refusal of mine takes on a more simbolic purpose. And it has to do with the first surreal revelation (dated 9/6/2002). I don't know enough of my country to write about it. I do not pride in being a native of this country. Not that I hate it either. It's just that I see no reason to shout to the world about my nationality. I cannot defend my nationality from criticism, nor would I even want to. At times I have wished that my immigrant forefathers would have docked elsewhere.

Well... I hope this explained a thing or two.

Ok, Ok... Just one more before I quit this for now...







What Planet Are You From?


this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

Oh, and this one is supposed to go on my Lioness' blog a few years from now...

Ohmygosh!!! Head for the hills!!! It's an avalanche of blog stickers!!
(as if you didn't have enough useless quizzes to put up with...)

(I really wish I could find one that says "schizotypal blogger"...)

And finally, the one I agree with the most:

Yesterday. Around nine thirty, a dog enters the space where we usually hang out at the university. My Lioness immediately jumps up from the couch in panic. She seems to have a problem with dogs. Specifically dogs. And in the open space of the university, they sometimes roam in packs of four or five. Sometimes they show up alone, scavaging for food here and there. They often come to the area where we hang out to beg for scraps. I led the dog outside like any common person would do, pretending I have food with me. Once outside, I came to realize he'd go back in at any moment if given a chance. He had to understand he wasn't welcomed. Thus enters the Beast.
This pup would respect me from the start since I'm a bigger animal. So I blocked his way back in and I knew he would dare not touch me. He just seemed to want to walk around me. With a sudden movement in his direction and showing him my teeth I made it clear that I was a possible threat. He backed out. Being smaller, he wouldn't have the courage to face me. He pretended to forget about the whole thing and walk away, looking back just as he reached the corner to see if I was still there. And there I was, eyes fixed on him. He turned the corner. But you see, he lives in a world where other entities just roam around, having no fixed territory. Thinking I would go away soon, he returned after a minute. And I was still there, waiting for him. He stopped in his tracks. Both of us staring at each other's eyes silently. I grunted anything and strided towards him. No matter what I spoke, since he wouldn't understand it anyway. Just as long as I made some sound to make it clear I was annoyed by him. As I got closer, he squated and then sat down, tense. I moved in closer and when I was just a few steps from him, he lay down flat on the floor, completely motionless but never taking his eyes off me. I grunted something again. Then turned and went back inside. I knew I had made my point.

And why am I writting all this? I guess I was impressed at the fact that I'm beggining to comprehend a more basic form of communication. It works for most mammals. Other animals are harder to figure out. But this has nothing to do with spoken language. It's pretty much a gesture thing. I guess I also want to show to all of you who fear some specific kind of animal that once you understand it, you can communicate on the same level and fear it just as much as you would fear any other common person. They follow very basic principles, yet very truthful ones...

One last thing for today before I bore you to death...

If you've just recently began reading my blog, one post that would be worth while reading is dated 6/7/2002 (fourth post on this page).
It's a list of personal traits.

Speaking about my maid, just moments after I posted my latest surreal revelation, out of the blue, I engaged on some serious political discussion with her. As I said, it's election month again. And among the final candidates, we have a supposed comunist party that has been gathering an alarming number of votes. I believed my maid would vote for them, since she from a working class and all (and quite frankly doesn`t get paid nearly enough by my parents...). But alas, I found out she is completely contrary to the comunist party. Why? She says she couldn`t bring herself up to voting for comunists, because they are supposed to be atheists (Religion is opium for the masses - Does that remind you of anything?). And she simply can`t understand how come someone believes the world was't created by God. What seems most interesting is that she uses words with big meanings like love, souls and the Holy Father much in the same way children speak in heroic speech when they play.

Oh, you've heard heroic speech... It's that peculiar kind of talk that children use in makebelieve. They refer to each other as "friend" or "sidekick" or whatever and usually engage in logics that include saying that they must accomplish something or else "all will be lost".

What I mean is, even though these words of hers seem to make a great speech and prove her faith in religion and all, she has no clue of what she's talking about. A soul to her is just an abstract concept she can't even understand but that gives her a certain feeling and a certain notion of things.
Heck, this thing about religious faith always sounded to me like that tale of The Emperor's new clothes...

Something I forgot to post:
A few days ago, my maid was telling me about her grandaughter. The one mentioned earlier. And so, her little brother finally came home. And my maid tells me that the first attacks of jealousy have begun. She told me that recently, the little girl has complained whenever she sees her little brother drinking milk from their mother's breast. She goes on and cries to her mother:
-"Look at him, mom! He's drinking all my milk! Stop him! There won't be anything left for me!"-
And I'm somehow interested in following the development of this first jealousy into common sibling rivalry, that hatred that brothers share in the first few years of living with each other. And then following hw it develops into a sort of respect or even love for your next of kin. I have some bleak conscience of how it happened between me and my brother. But I'd like to see it happen with other people.

I guess those are the only occasions I wish I could be some eternal creature. A vampire, or a child who actually never grows. The only occasions I wish I could be forever. So that I could every once in a while check on the development and evolution of people with the same fun and ritualistic frequency as I check on new posts on blogs.

Gosh, I just had so much sushi I could spend two days without a bite of anything else...

Who am I kidding...
Where can I find some chocolate?

My hands have come to look old...
I'm still trying to figure out why. Probably because of all the chemicals I bathe them in daily. Querosene, paint thinners, various types of paints, litographic material... I have to start taking better care of myself.
My hands have always had some fascinating effect on me. At times I catch myself staring at my fingers, trying to understand the mechanisms. Or simply glancing at the shapes. There are a number of little scars here and there from a past-paced childhood. And the hair on the back of my hands seems to warn me that puberty has come and gone and I still don't feel like I've grown up... I guess the marvel at my hands comes also from the way I tend to completely forget about them when I draw or paint or create so many things. And yet, they are the catalysts of my creation. They are everything. Without them, venturing into art would be much more painful.
And now they look like they are getting old. Two decades of age and they already start getting this wrinkled aspect... There seems to be some extra lines on my palms. And the texture of the skin feels dry and rough.
But I like this... It kinda reminds me of how much I work. My master, the one who encouraged me to go from drawing to painting, used to have these rough hands. Veins showed on the back of his hands, giving them this strong aspect, like hands carved out of wood, the carving still unaccomplished. Sometimes, when I'm doing something that requires strength in my hands, they look like that for an instant. And I feel wise, a mature artist, like my master.

Silly, isn't it?

For some weird reason, I've been sistematically dreaming about all my muses. Everyone I've painted some day and those I'm about to paint as well. Started out with my Blonde Muse in some sort of graduation. She looked nice, as usual. And as polite as the real girl. Then the following night Nana-chan visited me at the art course, boyfriend and all. Few nights ago, it was Sati's turn. Along with Makel. Interesting to notice that Sati's jealousy towards Makel is something so present in my head that it crosses over to the realm of dreams. Finally, today, my Lioness. On some strange plot about alien invasions and underwater hero headquarters.

And yet more madness:

Surreal revelations III:
The common development of every child undergoes two crucial moments, as seen by psychologist Jean Piaget.
No, wait... Actualy there are three crucial moments. On the first one, the newborn respects no rules. But that is a moment not worth spending much time upon. On the second moment, the young toddler learns to respect the rules imposed by the parental figures and other authorities. This respect deserves some careful consideration. The child respects the authorities not because he agrees with their rules, but simply because they are authorities. And if the child disobeys, punishment will ensue. Furthermore, the child respects the authorities because they are grown-ups, and hence they are always supposed to be right about everything. The rules created by grown-ups are sacred. The child respects the rules because they are rules, regardless of their reasons, and compares these rules to universal laws that must be obeyed. Furthermore, the child does not see himself as a legislator: He can't make rules of his own because rules are made by grown-ups.
Then, around the age of nine or ten, the child tends to start questioning the rules imposed. The child will want to know why must is obedience demanded. It is a time when the child will also learn that certain behaviours won`t even actually be punished. That parents threaten more than they actualy beat. That they bark more than they bite, so to speak. But in questioning the authorities, the child will learn the set of values upon which the rules are based. The child will learn why were those rules created.
Finally, at the end of teenage, the third moment, and with those values well understood and solidified, the child will now overcome his parents and become a fully grown individual. Overcoming the parents means figuring out that their rules aren`t always right, that they make mistakes just like everyone else and hence that they are not the gods we thought they were. It is, in a sense, despising the parents. The full grown adult will now create his/her own set of rules, some similar to the ones of the parents, others completely different. But the fact is, the parental rules will have ceased to be sacred and unbreakable.

Well... I'm having a hard time putting these thoughts into words, but that's basically the idea.

Now here's where I really bit the mushrooms...

In a sense, imagine that society is a child and the supposed gods created by mankind are parents. Human society is just entering the third stage. I mean, we went through eons of having no religion. Then along came all the pagan religions with their view of the world and finally Christianism and the other more evolved religions. No matter what each religion taught, it always had a few basic principles like justice, for example. Only they are not taught bluntly: they're always disguised as something more specific like 'Thou shall not kill'. Civilization follows these principles blindly, believing in divine retribuition. We believe that, if we were to kill someone, lightingbolt would strike us in the instant or we'd be cursed with decades of bad luck or something... Religious commandments are followed just like the child would follow parental rules: simply because they are rules. Imposed by a simmilar parental figure.
Then, after years of exploitation by the Church and other religious authorities, people began to dare and understand that God gives no punishment: we punish ourselves. We learned to fear not the divine retribuition but to fear the real consequences of our actions. We learned abstract thought. We learned that perhaps there might not be such a strong parental figure up there after all. I mean, just go on and do something forbidden by the Ten Commandments.... See? Nothing happened.
What I mean is, now that psychology, sociology and other sciences have come down with the general principles regarding the former religious laws, isn't it time we left the abuse of religion behind us and finally ventured into the third stage of moral evolution, where we create our own moral? Isn't it supposed to be considered retrograde to still abide by preachings?

Well... You got the gist, didn't you? Just... don't crucify me for being an atheist, OK?

I feel that an ancient curse that lasted four years is finally comming to an end.

You asked me if I already knew how long... I think I do now.

I gotta admit, the addiction is back again!!! XD
Just one taste and it all comes back....


What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hell, yeah!!!

Which Element Represents You?
created by kefkafanatic @ mental insanity

OBVIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!! No doubt about it!!

For Nana-chan's friend:
It came to my attention how you wrote that everyone manipulates everyone and someone always ends up hurt. But you see, there IS no other way. Whenever you relate to someone, you have some intention on your mind. You'll want that person to like you, to approve you. You'll only say the things you know that person accepts. Or you'll try and reason with that person so as to change his/her view of things into yours.
Dealing with other people is a caustic thing. It burns you like acid. Because people won't agree with you 100% of the time. And when they disagree, they'll try to reason with you and make you think like they do. And you'll do the same to them. Sounds like conspiracy theory, doesn't it? They deal with this topic marvelously in Evangelion. And I've always felt a bit like Shinji.

Bottom line is: it hurts so much to deal with other people simply because they are other people. And you can't comunicate your exact thoughts to them, no matter how hard you try. There's no such thing as perfectly syncronized minds and hearts (Thank God! Imagine the identity crisis if it were to happen...). There are those days when you tend to feel annoyed even by your best friends...


Well... I don't know if this helped or if it's just a grim vision of things to you... But write back to comment on this. Even if it's just to say you didn't understand a thing.

And I must also find Carol Gilligan while I'm at it...

Gotta find out more about Lawrence Kohlberg's thoughts on the development of morality...

As a sort of test for that, I've ranked my blogs in the link session... This might not have any relation with morality to you guys yet. But perhaps in time it'll be explained.

Yet another interesting blog...
Canção para despertar Sophia




Poetry for my fellow countrymen...
If you english speakers could understand what she writes and what my Lioness writes, you would see how they relate in some way. And why I've written her down on my links section as Another lioness... I just wish I had that tendency to write so beautifully.

And it's election month down here... again...
Ok, this might come as some sort of obvious rant to most of you, but I've been musing about how elections seem to have a double utility in public life. THere's the obvious utility of finding out what everyone thinks about how to run the country or about the people who are supposed to be running the country from now on. But there's another utility regarding every individual. It's sort of a way to be in sync with the collective mind. Think about it: you choose your set of candidates. Governors, mayors, senators, presidents, etc. I know this is supposed to be your own personal decision and to hell what other people think. But what if none of your candidates are ranked as most voted? It's so very easy to think that there might just be something wrong with the way you're thinking about the country's guidance. I mean, it basically means that no one (of very few people, anyway...) agree with you. I don't know about you, but I'd feel a little naive about it if it would happen to me. I mean, I can't deny that other people's opinions sometimes shape my own opinions. Specially when it comes to politics.

Ever get that feeling that you just hopped onto the wrong bus?

And I just got into google and typed "Pan's-eye-view" and found this!!

And this page seems to have been created by a guy named Marcus Pan!! How weird is that?? Seems like Marcus is gaining more and more freedom from the Council and becoming some sort of real entity. Spooky...

And since we're in the mood...




what's your cowboy bebop theme song?

Obviously!!!!

(and you thought I had forgotten about quizzes, right?)

Something just hit me as I was recording my sample of the Cowboy Bebop CD mentioned earlier...
I gave the first one to my Lioness when I made that surprise to her. And she loved it. But it just dawned on me that most of the songs in it have no lyrics... And my Lioness seems to dislike this sort of thing.

Explanations, please!!!

As I've said, it's been lustfuly hot lately.
The morning sun hits the curtains in the living room, throwing a difuse yellowish light all accross the house. It makes the living room warm like a sort of incubator. The bedrooms stand all the way down the hall like vampires shying away from the light. Still they are just as warm as the living room. In my room, light reflected from the stone floor of the lobby is filtered through tiny air holes in my closed window, dotting my room's ceiling in a fading pattern. The fan on the ceiling turns inexorably and yet sluggishly, like fans on suspense movies. Nonetheless, the air on the room has an embracing stillness. It protects me like armor. And I feel confortable: neither hot nor cold. This computer screen shines painfully in my eyes. It engulfs the entire room.

It's just another sunday. The one day I allow myself to rest.

I just felt like writting today...

I got this very strange desire to swim with my clothes on yesterday... Too bad it was late and the pool at my building was already closed. I would have definitely had the guts for it. Specialy since my parents weren't home. It's been lustfuly hot lately...

Blue jeans... The way denim sticks to the body and tends to sqweeze you slightly with the weight of that dense wet cloth... And how it limits your movements a bit while you're in the water... And how it rubs against your skin with that marvelously rough texture.

Hmm... I wonder were are my old blue jeans...

I guess, when it comes to swimming, I like the opposites. Swimming with clothes on is just as marvelous as skinny dipping.
Enough of these silly rants...

Just a note:

Interesting writting style ===> Angel with a scythe

Yesterday I did something that really made me proud... I went all the way to my Lioness' place to pick her up and take her to the university. Attached to the back of my car was my bycicle. She understood at once what my surprise was all about when she saw it: I had decided to teach her how to ride.
I thought it was the least I could do after my latest screw up. That and a frustrated attempt of making a porcelain mask of her. I didn't know portraits where so hard to do in 3D...
I have no idea of how long we spent running up and down the university on that bike. I held her so she wouldn't falland tried to explain how to keep balance on a bike (if you have any ideas on how to explain one of these things you just feel, please tell me!). It couldn't have been more perfect. The day was comming to an end and the sun was already low, making everything sort of yellowish. And we were there, laughing and horsing around. Oh, it could have been better: rain threatened to fall sometimes. But it never did. She calls herself the Daughter of Rain. I close my eyes now and I can still see my feet running on that cracked floor.
When we stopped and she got down from the bike, she looked at me with those huge green eyes glaring against the yellowed light and thanked me. I think my soul just bought it's way to heaven in that instant.
Heck, I'm not much good at writting these moments. They tend to turn out rather cheesy when I write. What could you expect from a guy who spent three years writting about vampires?
The thing is, I just can't explain how good it felt to please someone like that. And to please her specifically. I could live my life for thank you's like that one. I guess, putting things this way, I'm the one who should thank her...

We agreed to practice every two weeks. Our shedules won't allow us to do it more often.

Ok... I think I freaked...
Get ready for a really, really complex post!

Surreal revelations II

Imagine that the whole universe can be organized as a huge, infinite matrix (hold on, I`m not talking about the movie exactly...). A matrix in which the collumns represent instants of time and the lines represent locations of objects in space. Of course, here we`d need some more advanced math to cram height, width and depth into one single number. Now, remember what you studied in basic math at school (if you ever did study matrixes...). Remember that, in a huge matrix, you can use a number of operations to simplify it into a smaller one or even select a part of it and from that, you can discover it`s determinant. And remember that, with the determinant, you can return to the matrix and figure out the numbers you don`t know. Can you understand where I`m trying to get?
So, if you could see the objects in the room you are in and understand their numbers in the matrix, you could maybe figure out the determinant of that universal matrix and with that, figure out locations and times that you do not have access to. Which means, you could reach universal awareness, ability to see the future and the past.
Can you grasp the real importance of that universal determinant? It would be what spawned reality. The one thing that is common to all that exists. The answer to all the misteries in the universe. I dare not say God, because I`m much of an atheist. And besides, God is supposed to be a sentient entity. This would merely be a condition in common to all things in the universe.
Ok... That was the first theory about the reality matrix. A few days ago I read about wildcards somewhere. Professionals who deal with logistics and previewing the future use wildcards as an expression to name those events that no one can foretell. Events that come out of nothing and radically alter the course of history. Wildcards can be marvelos, disastrous or a combination of both. But they are always unpredictable.
I know wildcards have a place in this theory. I just haven't figured out which is it. Maybe to us, normal people, everything is a wildcard. You can't predict if all of a sudden your computer will simply explode. Or if a stray bullet will fly through your window and kill you instantly. There are only a few logical events we can normaly predict. That's why we can't reach the universal determinant. Then again, if the determinant is something as powerfull as it seems, that it has spawned the universe, there are only a few limited numbers of wildcards available to happen because the order inside the matrix must always remain the same. If the order is altered, the determinant is altered. Nothing would be exactly "unpredictabe". And then again, the real wildcard would be something that would alter the matrix and eventually destroy the universe...

...and you guys have no idea of what I'm talking about, have you?

Ok, Evenstar... no more mushrooms for me.

This is a silly little post about something that probably matters only to me. But this is my blog, anyway.

I've worn this iron ring for some four years now. Over time, it became a sort of a trademark for people who knew me well. And I lost my iron rings at key moments in my life. I lost my first one when my relationship with Makel took... let's say... a step further.
I spent some time without my iron ring. Couldn't find one the right size. I had gotten used to not having it on my finger, not fidgetting with it. And a few months ago I bought my third one. Today, as I was showering, I took it off. Spent a few moments without it and then, when I was turning off the shower, there was a brief instant of panic as I felt it's absense. Nice to know I'm used to wearing it again. Feels like I'm myself again.

But I doubt you'll understand what I mean.

On a not so joyous note, ever been in one of those situations where you're just trying your best to make everyone pleased and they're not apreciating it enough? You give up on a thing or two, pretend not to mind when you get slightly screwed up for it and just smile. But in the end, it'll all be worthless. *sigh*

Well, I'll spare you from this tedious ranting of mine. Just some rebelliousness for a post I really didn't expect.

Coming soon, Surreal revelations II...

Ok... I just gotta say, for the record, that I rule!!!

Allow me to explain.
Down here, in the art course, we have to do our graduation work. It`s supposed to be the finest artwork we developed throughout the course, the one you like the most. Each student chooses a mentor to aid him in developing the work for the entire last year of the course. Come November, we present it to a small juri of three professional artists that are not related to the foundation. They will judge if we have matured enough to graduate.
Today, right after being accepted called for ExpoFAU, I just got myself a possible mentor. I showed my photographic ghosts to artist Regina Johas, one of my teachers. And she was so interested that she accepted to guide me if I choose the ghosts as my final project next year! I was actually thinking of Sandra Cinto, mentioned earlier in the blog. She`s so nice... And she could teach me the attention to detail that I sometimes lack in my works. But she has already decided to aid another very promissing colegue of mine. For the record, I guess I`ll call this colegue of mine Methodless. Not that she has no methodology in her work, but because she refuses to do anything in traditional methods like painting, drawing or sculpting. She uses photography most of the time and mixed media. But all her thought processes are remarkable. She has no need for traditional methods.
But I stray from my point. I have a possible mentor!! Yay!

Ok... I know some of you guys have no clue of what I`m talking about... Let`s just say someone big took an interest in my work.

Yee-Haw!!!!
Brace yourselves, lads!
I just got an e-mail from the people who were organizing the student showcase at the university (the one in which I enrolled my Virgin and Child and three of my portraits). It seems they have selected some of the finer works in the showcase ("according to technique and maturity") to participate in yet another expo, this time at the architecture school. And two of my portraits were selected!!!!!!!!! I'm proud to announce that my finest and first portrait, Marina (done for Nana-chan), and my latest and dearest one, Lee (done for the Lioness), will be exhibited at ExpoFAU 2002, starting October 11th!!!!

I'd like to thank the organizers and my graceful models!

Yesterday, just before I left the university, I stopped by to get something to eat. While I was fumbling for my wallet on my back pack, I noticed the precense of a blonde girl right next to me. I turned my head just to get a glimpse: it was my Blonde Muse!!! It had been quite a while, huh? Funny how I didn't notice it was her all at once... She usually seems like such a tall and slim presence. Ok, she was still slim, but this time she seemed so small! She was barely my size.
Anyways, I was wondering what would happen next time we came to meet. Last time we met, I asked her permission to enroll her portrait in the student expo at the university. It was the first time we had talked in a civilized manner... But I thought that would be it. I thought, despite all her sweetness and politeness, my first impressions of a psycho with a camera would prevail. Much to my surprise, this time she greeted me! Greeted with a smile and asked politely if she could perhaps have the picture I took of her...

Certainly!
I'd just have to stop by at the atelier and pick it up. Once again I made a complete putz out of myself trying to juggle my wallet and my notebook so I could wrte that down and remember it (This darn freakin' memory of mine...). Pull yourself toghether, man!!

Lioness was telling me how her bus was stopped by policemen last thursday.
I remembered something I didn't post about in here. About a month ago she came to my place. Since my car was still on the workshop, I borrowed my brother's car. Seconds before I went out, he caught up with me to hand me the new copies of the car license. I took my Lioness home and on my way back, right at the corner of my block, two police vehicles where stopping cars for some sort of routine check-up. Bless my little sibling!!! I could've gotten into a load of trouble that night.

Yesterday I had the stranges flash as I dozed off a few hours before going to the university. I was watching a photograph seen in Evangelion, of young Kaji, Misato and Ritsuko toghether. And in that brief insight, it felt like I was Kaji, my Lioness was Misato and Blue-Eyed Teddy was Ritsuko. Ok, I know the relations between them all seem to match ours. And some of the personalities. But Blue-Eyed Teddy has absolutely nothing in common with Ritsuko...

AAAAARGH!!!!
I mean, crap... I expected my life to be chaotic for a while without my trustworthy secretary. But not up to this point!!!

I hate electronics......

Could you readers of this humble blog e-mail me your data (phone numbers, e-mail adress, home adress, birthdays, etc...) so that I can rebuild my databank?