According to humansforsale.com, I´m worth $1,349,000.00.
Wich means that, comparing to other males, I´m relatively worthless.
Crap...
domingo, junho 09, 2002
I just love it when the house is left at my disposal...
Mom and dad are away, my brother is out with Sis and will only be back tomorrow. So I made my dinner and sat in front of the TV, watching Locomotion as I devoured my meal. Virgin Fleet was on... Not exactly the most thrilling of anime. But I´ll watch just about anything...
After supper, I filled the bath tub at my parents´ bathroom: one of the things I only get to do when I´m spending the weekend alone. Meanwhile, I finished a few details on one of today´s paintings: there will be no more fooling around with paint after the bath.
Settling down on the bath tub was painstaking: thermal shock... But after a while I was almost dozing off. I always get a strange feeling when I´m in the tub. That silence, the dripping of the faucet, my body submerged up to my neck in warm water, those terribly white tiles... It all looks like a scene from some horror movie. Gives me the creeps. As if at any moment the killer is supposed to strike, leaving me dead on the bloodied tub, like Marat. Off the tub we go...
Guess I´ll read my book under the lamp in the living room and eventualy fall asleep on the couch. After a game of Age of Empires, that is. And that´s saturday.
I think you´re right, Lioness... I act like an old man.
Party was yesterday. Today I´m keeping cozy and confortable at home.
Mom and dad are away, my brother is out with Sis and will only be back tomorrow. So I made my dinner and sat in front of the TV, watching Locomotion as I devoured my meal. Virgin Fleet was on... Not exactly the most thrilling of anime. But I´ll watch just about anything...
After supper, I filled the bath tub at my parents´ bathroom: one of the things I only get to do when I´m spending the weekend alone. Meanwhile, I finished a few details on one of today´s paintings: there will be no more fooling around with paint after the bath.
Settling down on the bath tub was painstaking: thermal shock... But after a while I was almost dozing off. I always get a strange feeling when I´m in the tub. That silence, the dripping of the faucet, my body submerged up to my neck in warm water, those terribly white tiles... It all looks like a scene from some horror movie. Gives me the creeps. As if at any moment the killer is supposed to strike, leaving me dead on the bloodied tub, like Marat. Off the tub we go...
Guess I´ll read my book under the lamp in the living room and eventualy fall asleep on the couch. After a game of Age of Empires, that is. And that´s saturday.
I think you´re right, Lioness... I act like an old man.
Party was yesterday. Today I´m keeping cozy and confortable at home.
sábado, junho 08, 2002
Oh no!!!!
They´re coming!!!!
It´s... MORE QUIZ RESULTS!!!!!!!!
Damn right... But maybe this other one will do better:
I'm Remy LeBeau
What X-Men Character are You?
Oh, yeah!!!
Hmm... Whatever...
They´re coming!!!!
It´s... MORE QUIZ RESULTS!!!!!!!!
Damn right... But maybe this other one will do better:
I'm Remy LeBeau
What X-Men Character are You?
Oh, yeah!!!
Hmm... Whatever...
Selections from a tape recorded today while I worked
I think Makel traumatized me about the painting of the house on the hill. The one that´s supposed to go on the living room. The tryptich. ´Cause in the bigger canvas there´s these woods that I just can´t paint. See, Makel joined an atelier a while back, when we were still dating. She grew interested in art mostly because of me. She always lived for her boyfriends, as I´ve said. She spent about... oh, I´d say four months in it. And she learned in those four month, painting techniques that took me years to learn by myself. And among those techniques, she learned how to paint landscapes. I paint people, not landscapes. I only learned to paint landscapes when I saw her doing it. In the painting of the house in the hill, there are those trees. And I can´t advance in the painting, unless I paint those trees. I tried once. And Makel told me I had done it wrong. So I erased them. I don´t know why did I let it get to me... But now I´m hesitant in painting those woods. Traumatized. The tryptich just stands there: unfinished. And it feels like yet another project I´ll never finish. Like another one of my four books that I´ll never finish.
Coming into the atelier after so long was... sucha strange experience. It was like seeing someone I hadn´t seen for such a long time. It was like seeing Sati... Things have kept their places. Few changes. The mess I made last time I was here is still here. Somehow it reminds me of unfinished business, like the end of my relationship with Sati. A mess that I never cleaned up. And that I expected to be forgotten over time. The watch in my atelier has stopped in time, frozen at 10:45. some day. Someone took it´s batteries. Or maybe they just ran out.
I think Makel traumatized me about the painting of the house on the hill. The one that´s supposed to go on the living room. The tryptich. ´Cause in the bigger canvas there´s these woods that I just can´t paint. See, Makel joined an atelier a while back, when we were still dating. She grew interested in art mostly because of me. She always lived for her boyfriends, as I´ve said. She spent about... oh, I´d say four months in it. And she learned in those four month, painting techniques that took me years to learn by myself. And among those techniques, she learned how to paint landscapes. I paint people, not landscapes. I only learned to paint landscapes when I saw her doing it. In the painting of the house in the hill, there are those trees. And I can´t advance in the painting, unless I paint those trees. I tried once. And Makel told me I had done it wrong. So I erased them. I don´t know why did I let it get to me... But now I´m hesitant in painting those woods. Traumatized. The tryptich just stands there: unfinished. And it feels like yet another project I´ll never finish. Like another one of my four books that I´ll never finish.
Coming into the atelier after so long was... sucha strange experience. It was like seeing someone I hadn´t seen for such a long time. It was like seeing Sati... Things have kept their places. Few changes. The mess I made last time I was here is still here. Somehow it reminds me of unfinished business, like the end of my relationship with Sati. A mess that I never cleaned up. And that I expected to be forgotten over time. The watch in my atelier has stopped in time, frozen at 10:45. some day. Someone took it´s batteries. Or maybe they just ran out.
sexta-feira, junho 07, 2002
The Lioness had the strangest dream a few nights ago. It's in her blog...
Actually, it was a fairly comprehensible dream that had much to do with the latest happenings in her life. One of her friends asked for it's meaning. So I made a rough interpretation of what I understood, using what I've studied from my own dreams. Dreams happen in a pretty rational way.
References for this dream include many things from Huis Clos and a lot of props and scenarios and scenes from the Queen of the Damned movie.
In the first scene, she runs through corridors in a castle. She reaches a huge door to a large room. Inside, her best friends are all dressed in white dresses. She wears a black one. This is easy to understand. She represents herself as the first person, the entity she understands as herself, different from all the other people in the room, all of them understood as "not her" and dressed alike to represent that. It´s an affirmation of herself as an individual. She dresses black. Her residual self-image (remember Matrix?) is dresses black and I think it´s because she is aware of her own evil. As we all should be. When she goes into the room and sits down in front of her friends, they all cover their faces and she shrieks in agony. I believe it´s her representation of shame. Because her friends are reading her blog and she knows they do not aprove what goes on between me and her. But she is affraid of dissapointing them.
Second scene. That same room. She´s standing naked in the middle of it. I´m there, dressed in what she calls my vampire outfit: my white shirt and black vest. Pocket watch. With a paper cutter, I cut a few slits in her arm. They bleed. I just stand there. And she just stands there. She does not scream nor show any pain.
I think there´s something missing here. Because, although the room remains the same, the people in it change too drastically and with no explanation. Why is she suddenly naked? Perhaps because of her shame after the scene with her friends. But how did I appear? There seems to be no items or ideas in the previous scene to remind her of me. So there is apparently no reason for me to just pop up in the dream. There´s something missing. She forgot something. About the slits in her arm, the paper cutter comes from Huis Clos. The action of cutting her seems to be a representation of the hurt I cause. The fact that she just stands there seems odd. It could be because in real life she also just stands there while I hurt her. Or it could be because, although that character is her, her conscience watches things from outside. As if she was watching a movie. About my clothes: that´s what I wore when we went to see Queen of the Damned.
Wich leads us to the third scene. The room becomes that same room in the end of Queen of the Damned. Her friends show up again and drink from the slits in her arm until she is turned into a statue again. She is supposed to be Akasha. Her best friend takes her last drop and dies. All the others, having completed the task, flee. I show up, along with another male friend of hers, whose name is the same as mine. We break the statue that she has turned into. She feels an enormous amount of pain. I guess the scenario, the composition of things reminded her of the end of the movie, so she decided to act it out. Plus, she was bleeding anyway. As I have no importance in the beggining of this third scene, I obviously dissapear. She obviously puts herself in one of the main roles, as we all do in our dream. We all intimately want to be the main character. She places her best friend in the role of Maharet, the leader of the vampire coven, because she feels her best friend is the leader of this little coven. Or the one she cares for the most anyway. I´ve noticed there´s a clear distinction between scenes regarding her friends and scenes regarding her male passions. They are never toghether in the same scene. That´s why her friends have to leave before we, the men, show up. Me and the other guy, we appear as the oniric archetype of the twins. This archetype deals with opposites from a same kind. In this case, what´s similar is our names: in real life we have the same name. The difference is the kind of men we are. She loves me, but she is loved by the other one. I hurt her and the other one idolizes her. We are opposites. But either way, she feels that all men will eventually cause her doom. That´s why we both destroy her statue.
Actually, it was a fairly comprehensible dream that had much to do with the latest happenings in her life. One of her friends asked for it's meaning. So I made a rough interpretation of what I understood, using what I've studied from my own dreams. Dreams happen in a pretty rational way.
References for this dream include many things from Huis Clos and a lot of props and scenarios and scenes from the Queen of the Damned movie.
In the first scene, she runs through corridors in a castle. She reaches a huge door to a large room. Inside, her best friends are all dressed in white dresses. She wears a black one. This is easy to understand. She represents herself as the first person, the entity she understands as herself, different from all the other people in the room, all of them understood as "not her" and dressed alike to represent that. It´s an affirmation of herself as an individual. She dresses black. Her residual self-image (remember Matrix?) is dresses black and I think it´s because she is aware of her own evil. As we all should be. When she goes into the room and sits down in front of her friends, they all cover their faces and she shrieks in agony. I believe it´s her representation of shame. Because her friends are reading her blog and she knows they do not aprove what goes on between me and her. But she is affraid of dissapointing them.
Second scene. That same room. She´s standing naked in the middle of it. I´m there, dressed in what she calls my vampire outfit: my white shirt and black vest. Pocket watch. With a paper cutter, I cut a few slits in her arm. They bleed. I just stand there. And she just stands there. She does not scream nor show any pain.
I think there´s something missing here. Because, although the room remains the same, the people in it change too drastically and with no explanation. Why is she suddenly naked? Perhaps because of her shame after the scene with her friends. But how did I appear? There seems to be no items or ideas in the previous scene to remind her of me. So there is apparently no reason for me to just pop up in the dream. There´s something missing. She forgot something. About the slits in her arm, the paper cutter comes from Huis Clos. The action of cutting her seems to be a representation of the hurt I cause. The fact that she just stands there seems odd. It could be because in real life she also just stands there while I hurt her. Or it could be because, although that character is her, her conscience watches things from outside. As if she was watching a movie. About my clothes: that´s what I wore when we went to see Queen of the Damned.
Wich leads us to the third scene. The room becomes that same room in the end of Queen of the Damned. Her friends show up again and drink from the slits in her arm until she is turned into a statue again. She is supposed to be Akasha. Her best friend takes her last drop and dies. All the others, having completed the task, flee. I show up, along with another male friend of hers, whose name is the same as mine. We break the statue that she has turned into. She feels an enormous amount of pain. I guess the scenario, the composition of things reminded her of the end of the movie, so she decided to act it out. Plus, she was bleeding anyway. As I have no importance in the beggining of this third scene, I obviously dissapear. She obviously puts herself in one of the main roles, as we all do in our dream. We all intimately want to be the main character. She places her best friend in the role of Maharet, the leader of the vampire coven, because she feels her best friend is the leader of this little coven. Or the one she cares for the most anyway. I´ve noticed there´s a clear distinction between scenes regarding her friends and scenes regarding her male passions. They are never toghether in the same scene. That´s why her friends have to leave before we, the men, show up. Me and the other guy, we appear as the oniric archetype of the twins. This archetype deals with opposites from a same kind. In this case, what´s similar is our names: in real life we have the same name. The difference is the kind of men we are. She loves me, but she is loved by the other one. I hurt her and the other one idolizes her. We are opposites. But either way, she feels that all men will eventually cause her doom. That´s why we both destroy her statue.
Heck... I´m a trend follower. And Lioness started the latest trend in her gang. So here´s my list of personal traits...
I´m an 80´s lover
I give names to the voices in my head.
I am obssessed with redheaded girls
I like tight clothes.
I´m a claustrophile (I like tight places)
I think modernism was the final death of art with technique (ilustrative, objective, understandable). And I´m a technical artist.
I adjust to almost any type of person: seldom does anyone annoy me.
I wish I had stopped aging since last year
I have cheated and might some day do it again
I think I´ve never been cheated on
I have some strong pride of certain male parts of mine... (heck, no one complained so far...)
I feel strong emotions about seemingly pointless things and remain cold to what is supposed to matter.
I´ve started writting four books, finished none so far...
I spent some two years pretending to myelf I was a goth... ( you know, walking the streets at night, alone, depressed, dressed in black...) It probably made me start noticing the world enough to become an art student.
I lived abroad for five years.
As heritage from my pseudo-goth era, I learned to nullify my presence... People think I simply materialize out of nowere.
I´m obssessed with vampires. In fact, I try to know as much of the myths and the facts that spawned the legend.
I´m the son of a Virgo, and as such, have learned to be methodic and obssessed with detail.
My dad is my greatest male role model. My dad rocks!!
My lips move very little when I talk
One of my quirks is to make a growling sound as I take air into my lungs.
I whistle while I work.
I love it when people caress my cheek.
I HATE my hair...
I have slightly pointy ears and protruding canines.
My greatest artistic obssession is with light. And girls, of course.
I can type with few mistakes without looking either at the keyboard or at the screen (and it freaks the hell out of the Lioness and Blue-Eyed Teddy...)
I see no great pleasure in eating. Except for sushi! It´s my favourite.
I like cold and hot weather all the same, but for different reasons.
In the afternoon is when I most feel like having sex.
I´m thrilled by disturbing movies and books.
I love to read but I don´t have the habbit of doing so.
I couldn´t care less for newspapers.
People say I´m a better writer than graphic artist (how come, if I don´t read enough to be a good writer? Practice?)
I love sleeping naked.
In fact, I love being naked.
I plan to have a cat simply named cat
I´d like to live alone for a while.
I´d also like to share a house with other fellow artist some day
I compare the extasy of being trusted enough to paint a friend in the nude to the extasy of being trusted enough to have sex with a friend.
Jeez... This is getting long, isn´t it?
I´m addicted to blogging, bubblegum, and occasional computer games. But my addictions last only a few months. Hopefully blogging will last longer.
I´m extremely old-fashioned. Almost british.
In fact, with the exeption of a few computer programs (Word, browsers and image editors), I do NOT get along with technology.
I give strange nicknames to people whose names I don´t know.
I´m not that intelectual. Some of it is bulsh*t...
But I do consider myself smart and somewhat of a culture addict.
I have an almost autistic tendency to be easily hypnotized by repetitive movement or sound. And I like it!!!
Well... I guess this does it for now... I´ll eventually add things here. I´ll tell you when I do.
I´m an 80´s lover
I give names to the voices in my head.
I am obssessed with redheaded girls
I like tight clothes.
I´m a claustrophile (I like tight places)
I think modernism was the final death of art with technique (ilustrative, objective, understandable). And I´m a technical artist.
I adjust to almost any type of person: seldom does anyone annoy me.
I wish I had stopped aging since last year
I have cheated and might some day do it again
I think I´ve never been cheated on
I have some strong pride of certain male parts of mine... (heck, no one complained so far...)
I feel strong emotions about seemingly pointless things and remain cold to what is supposed to matter.
I´ve started writting four books, finished none so far...
I spent some two years pretending to myelf I was a goth... ( you know, walking the streets at night, alone, depressed, dressed in black...) It probably made me start noticing the world enough to become an art student.
I lived abroad for five years.
As heritage from my pseudo-goth era, I learned to nullify my presence... People think I simply materialize out of nowere.
I´m obssessed with vampires. In fact, I try to know as much of the myths and the facts that spawned the legend.
I´m the son of a Virgo, and as such, have learned to be methodic and obssessed with detail.
My dad is my greatest male role model. My dad rocks!!
My lips move very little when I talk
One of my quirks is to make a growling sound as I take air into my lungs.
I whistle while I work.
I love it when people caress my cheek.
I HATE my hair...
I have slightly pointy ears and protruding canines.
My greatest artistic obssession is with light. And girls, of course.
I can type with few mistakes without looking either at the keyboard or at the screen (and it freaks the hell out of the Lioness and Blue-Eyed Teddy...)
I see no great pleasure in eating. Except for sushi! It´s my favourite.
I like cold and hot weather all the same, but for different reasons.
In the afternoon is when I most feel like having sex.
I´m thrilled by disturbing movies and books.
I love to read but I don´t have the habbit of doing so.
I couldn´t care less for newspapers.
People say I´m a better writer than graphic artist (how come, if I don´t read enough to be a good writer? Practice?)
I love sleeping naked.
In fact, I love being naked.
I plan to have a cat simply named cat
I´d like to live alone for a while.
I´d also like to share a house with other fellow artist some day
I compare the extasy of being trusted enough to paint a friend in the nude to the extasy of being trusted enough to have sex with a friend.
Jeez... This is getting long, isn´t it?
I´m addicted to blogging, bubblegum, and occasional computer games. But my addictions last only a few months. Hopefully blogging will last longer.
I´m extremely old-fashioned. Almost british.
In fact, with the exeption of a few computer programs (Word, browsers and image editors), I do NOT get along with technology.
I give strange nicknames to people whose names I don´t know.
I´m not that intelectual. Some of it is bulsh*t...
But I do consider myself smart and somewhat of a culture addict.
I have an almost autistic tendency to be easily hypnotized by repetitive movement or sound. And I like it!!!
Well... I guess this does it for now... I´ll eventually add things here. I´ll tell you when I do.
quinta-feira, junho 06, 2002
Ok... I know this qualifies me as addicted...
But here´s a couple more quiz result:
I have to admit: I´ve no idea what a "koi" is...
But here´s a couple more quiz result:
You'll probably love fallenlights.net.
Which Koi Variety Are You?
I have to admit: I´ve no idea what a "koi" is...
I feel another one of those incredible weeks of creativity coming by.
I arrived at the university today and, on my way to class, caught a glimpse of a girl asleep inside her car. The way she was lying there, curled up to one side, motionless except for the pulsation of her breath, inspired me some sort of tenderness, confort. I had urges to draw her but I was too lazy and too late for class to fundle for my sketch pad on my back pack. When I finally got to class, I drew a rough sketch of her, of what I remember from her position. Proportions are all screwed up. But as long as it can remind me of that feeling...
And then my teacher was yaking about surrealism and the end of the semester and I was already lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about starting my painting on the Virgin and Parthenogenic Child. And of painting a clean, simple acrylic portrait of my Blonde Muse out of one of the photos I snapped last year. Oh, and I remembered I have to paint that still-life for class next tuesday.
*Sigh*
It´s going to be a busy, but extremely pleasant weekend...
I arrived at the university today and, on my way to class, caught a glimpse of a girl asleep inside her car. The way she was lying there, curled up to one side, motionless except for the pulsation of her breath, inspired me some sort of tenderness, confort. I had urges to draw her but I was too lazy and too late for class to fundle for my sketch pad on my back pack. When I finally got to class, I drew a rough sketch of her, of what I remember from her position. Proportions are all screwed up. But as long as it can remind me of that feeling...
And then my teacher was yaking about surrealism and the end of the semester and I was already lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about starting my painting on the Virgin and Parthenogenic Child. And of painting a clean, simple acrylic portrait of my Blonde Muse out of one of the photos I snapped last year. Oh, and I remembered I have to paint that still-life for class next tuesday.
*Sigh*
It´s going to be a busy, but extremely pleasant weekend...
quarta-feira, junho 05, 2002
Guess what: more quiz results...
You are 40% evil! [?]
You're more good than evil, but not by much. You've drank straight from the carton of milk in the refrigerator, and maybe kicked the neighbor's cat, but you're still good. Kinda.
Well... I try and try...
Maybe... But maybe not...
Ooh! Bull´s-eye!
Find your emotion!
See? I told you I´m harmless....
Click Here To Find Out Which Symbol You Are
Oh, yeah!!!!
What Type of Villain are You?
mutedfaith.com /
<º>
Definitely!!!!
Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.
[Angel.]
Couldn´t be more true...
Well... The description does fit me... But I compare myself to:
That´s better... Although it IS a crappy description...
You are 40% evil! [?]
You're more good than evil, but not by much. You've drank straight from the carton of milk in the refrigerator, and maybe kicked the neighbor's cat, but you're still good. Kinda.
Well... I try and try...
Maybe... But maybe not...
![What Seven Deadly Sin Are YOU? [?]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vmuoUUSKYOU0yDFCO20ffDh4ykQ_n6fReb_81wvt8TMmcMopQd5fphDRnjNPu_DKz_aENMc_m-2OIvfm91jrelo3h7PyYxoyWQgsF9DfMEL-IxgxupB8mP0YpHlw=s0-d) | |
|
Ooh! Bull´s-eye!
Find your emotion!
 width="300" height="150"> |
Which Angel would you be? By Angel Falls |
See? I told you I´m harmless....
Click Here To Find Out Which Symbol You Are
Oh, yeah!!!!
What Type of Villain are You?
mutedfaith.com /
<º>
Definitely!!!!
Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.
[Angel.]
Couldn´t be more true...
Which Evangelion Child Are You?
Well... The description does fit me... But I compare myself to:
Which Evangelion Child Are You?
That´s better... Although it IS a crappy description...
Well... Things are OK with the Lioness again. It´s the second time I seriously think about changing my blog adress. She says she´d rather keep reading my blog. That we are more truthful to each other this way. And she´s right. But the one thing reality shows have proven is that humans can no longer live in groups. That we hurt each other. That we need to lie and keep little secrets in order to prevent fights. I honestly don´t know what´s best. But I like it when I don´t have to fight so much with people I care for.
I was amazed that for the first time we had a fight that was actually different from the ones I had with Makel. ´Cause ´til now it had all been the same. The fight was always about the girl on the other side. But seldom did people ever notice the dilema I´m in. I was always the hangman, the executor. I was always the guilty bastard.
And then we had this one fight where we understood that we were both victims. She couldn´t control her caring for me. As I couldn´t control the fact that I didn´t love her that much. I care for her. A lot. I like caring for people. But she´d need me to care specifically for her. Why can´t girls just make the best out of what guys can give? Why do they always want more?She´s already so special that most of the posts in this blog speak of her.
I´m just yaking about nonsense. Forgive me. I´m not that good at talking about matters of the heart. Remember: men have to pack their bags and travel to the other side of the brain for field study when it comes to feelings. And that´s actually why I eventually say or write some bulsh*t that´ll be misunderstood, wrecking havoc on my relationships.
I was amazed that for the first time we had a fight that was actually different from the ones I had with Makel. ´Cause ´til now it had all been the same. The fight was always about the girl on the other side. But seldom did people ever notice the dilema I´m in. I was always the hangman, the executor. I was always the guilty bastard.
And then we had this one fight where we understood that we were both victims. She couldn´t control her caring for me. As I couldn´t control the fact that I didn´t love her that much. I care for her. A lot. I like caring for people. But she´d need me to care specifically for her. Why can´t girls just make the best out of what guys can give? Why do they always want more?She´s already so special that most of the posts in this blog speak of her.
I´m just yaking about nonsense. Forgive me. I´m not that good at talking about matters of the heart. Remember: men have to pack their bags and travel to the other side of the brain for field study when it comes to feelings. And that´s actually why I eventually say or write some bulsh*t that´ll be misunderstood, wrecking havoc on my relationships.
terça-feira, junho 04, 2002
Rough translation of a note to the Lioness
Lioness, forgive me...
For what it´s worth, I REALLY wanted to sleep with you, as you wrote on your blog. It had been a long time since I hadn´t slept with anyone. I can´t escape the slight disconfort that comes from all of this, as I can´t and don´t even want to lose you. I wish we could have what we have without the sentimental part involved. Or that I could feel what you want me to feel for you. I just wish there was a non-violent solution for all this.
See how I suffer. How I can´t simply say "so what?"? Do you believe in me now? I don´t want to compare sufferings: I´d be in a slight disadvantage.
Ok... I submit myself to public scrutiny: how much a bastard am I? Or are there those of you who might miraculously understand my point of view?
I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What would you do if you had a great friend who fell in love with you and you just didn´t love him/her back that much? Am I the only one who believes not loving someone and hating someone are two different things?
PLEASE e-mail me if anyone has any ideas...
Lioness, forgive me...
For what it´s worth, I REALLY wanted to sleep with you, as you wrote on your blog. It had been a long time since I hadn´t slept with anyone. I can´t escape the slight disconfort that comes from all of this, as I can´t and don´t even want to lose you. I wish we could have what we have without the sentimental part involved. Or that I could feel what you want me to feel for you. I just wish there was a non-violent solution for all this.
See how I suffer. How I can´t simply say "so what?"? Do you believe in me now? I don´t want to compare sufferings: I´d be in a slight disadvantage.
Ok... I submit myself to public scrutiny: how much a bastard am I? Or are there those of you who might miraculously understand my point of view?
I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What would you do if you had a great friend who fell in love with you and you just didn´t love him/her back that much? Am I the only one who believes not loving someone and hating someone are two different things?
PLEASE e-mail me if anyone has any ideas...
Jeez, do they complain...
I once had a fight with the Blue-Eyed Teddy Bear because she complained about someone. I hate these situations because I eventually find myself trying to stand up for the other side, no matter if I agree or not. And 90% of the times it isn´t even my problem. But here I was, spending four days with a gang that was constantly complaining about someone. And complaining loudly! The little prince in me felt ashamed, awkward. But I must confess: I did my fair amount of complaining and horsing around. i gotta stop minding these things...
One thing I did notice: most of the people the Lioness complains about were girls that I found somewhat amusing or interesting. Come to think of it, she even made some crack about my Blond Muse´s moves.
I once had a fight with the Blue-Eyed Teddy Bear because she complained about someone. I hate these situations because I eventually find myself trying to stand up for the other side, no matter if I agree or not. And 90% of the times it isn´t even my problem. But here I was, spending four days with a gang that was constantly complaining about someone. And complaining loudly! The little prince in me felt ashamed, awkward. But I must confess: I did my fair amount of complaining and horsing around. i gotta stop minding these things...
One thing I did notice: most of the people the Lioness complains about were girls that I found somewhat amusing or interesting. Come to think of it, she even made some crack about my Blond Muse´s moves.
These collective things are so weird...
I just spent four days in deep intimacy with, oh, I´d say some fifty people. Take showering for example: suddenly you´re there, butt-naked with people you´d never think of. Proeminent people like those hulking guys girls are always talking about or guys who are famous for this or that. It´s so surreal. Was was even more surreal was when the drain clogged and the showers began to flud and we all had to shower standing on chairs because of all the dirty water.
But you know what? I liked all this. I laughed my ass off. Sometimes I think I was born to be a nomad. To wander in search of these peculiar things.
I just spent four days in deep intimacy with, oh, I´d say some fifty people. Take showering for example: suddenly you´re there, butt-naked with people you´d never think of. Proeminent people like those hulking guys girls are always talking about or guys who are famous for this or that. It´s so surreal. Was was even more surreal was when the drain clogged and the showers began to flud and we all had to shower standing on chairs because of all the dirty water.
But you know what? I liked all this. I laughed my ass off. Sometimes I think I was born to be a nomad. To wander in search of these peculiar things.
Hi there... I´m back.
As incredible as it may seem, I didn´t snap a few pictures of my Blonde Muse... *Sigh*.
I still don´t know how to rate my weekend. It was so good in some aspects and so disturbing in others. It seems we always pay more atention to the bad side of things.
I played house with the Lioness, as she wanted. I just couldn´t help it, after I read how lonely she felt and her urge to just sleep embraced with someone. It felt good, but wrong. I can´t explain it exactly. I felt as if I was cruelly using her. Because I know it only made her love me more. And in turn I can´t give her the love she demands of me. We talked about it, whispering into each other´s ears at the first few hours of dawn. We slept in my tent and there were people around. She thought I was ashamed of her. Or that I was hanging around with her out of pitty. It´s not that, dearest. I like cuddling as well. It gets quite hard to explain. I like to cuddle but I don´t love her. How cruel is this? Everyone likes to be cared for. She does me a lot of good. I just can´t be her boyfriend now...
We talked about my needs. We get along perfectly, we enjoy each other´s company, the chats. For some people, that would be enough to start a relationship. But not for me. I need something else. I need my Blonde Muse´s pretty face or her gentle moves. I need inspiration. Lioness called it some other, more transcendent kind of love. Actually, it´s more mundane. I had seen beauty in the Lioness. But it´s hidden somewhere.
She asked me if I never suffer. I believe I do. I believe I suffer for the people I cause suffering to. Like her or Makel. People who loved me and weren´t loved back. But maybe she´s right... And I don´t suffer at all. I´m rather cold. What do I feel?
When I think back, I don´t think we had agreed that she´d sleep in my tent with me... But things happened and it was the only choice. This weekend didn´t go exactly as planned... Please understand me. I sometimes feel like I´m being tricked into being her boyfriend. It has happened before. And we are already introduced to others as a couple. I guess the only thing missing is the formalities...
But I promised myself I wouldn´t mind these things. That I wouldn´t think about them for this weekend. And I didn´t. We had argued too much about it before. I let things happen. And it was kinda good. We shared the tent, we cuddled, warmed up each other. It was a sort of a relationship, in a twisted way. I´m some sort of expert in twisted relationships...
Of course it didn´t help in bringing me closer to my Blonde Muse. If only it drove us further apart. But never mind the little things.
*Sigh*
I have urges to delete this whole post... It´s going to cause so much pain to so many people. But I promised myself I would write for me. And not to please others.
As incredible as it may seem, I didn´t snap a few pictures of my Blonde Muse... *Sigh*.
I still don´t know how to rate my weekend. It was so good in some aspects and so disturbing in others. It seems we always pay more atention to the bad side of things.
I played house with the Lioness, as she wanted. I just couldn´t help it, after I read how lonely she felt and her urge to just sleep embraced with someone. It felt good, but wrong. I can´t explain it exactly. I felt as if I was cruelly using her. Because I know it only made her love me more. And in turn I can´t give her the love she demands of me. We talked about it, whispering into each other´s ears at the first few hours of dawn. We slept in my tent and there were people around. She thought I was ashamed of her. Or that I was hanging around with her out of pitty. It´s not that, dearest. I like cuddling as well. It gets quite hard to explain. I like to cuddle but I don´t love her. How cruel is this? Everyone likes to be cared for. She does me a lot of good. I just can´t be her boyfriend now...
We talked about my needs. We get along perfectly, we enjoy each other´s company, the chats. For some people, that would be enough to start a relationship. But not for me. I need something else. I need my Blonde Muse´s pretty face or her gentle moves. I need inspiration. Lioness called it some other, more transcendent kind of love. Actually, it´s more mundane. I had seen beauty in the Lioness. But it´s hidden somewhere.
She asked me if I never suffer. I believe I do. I believe I suffer for the people I cause suffering to. Like her or Makel. People who loved me and weren´t loved back. But maybe she´s right... And I don´t suffer at all. I´m rather cold. What do I feel?
When I think back, I don´t think we had agreed that she´d sleep in my tent with me... But things happened and it was the only choice. This weekend didn´t go exactly as planned... Please understand me. I sometimes feel like I´m being tricked into being her boyfriend. It has happened before. And we are already introduced to others as a couple. I guess the only thing missing is the formalities...
But I promised myself I wouldn´t mind these things. That I wouldn´t think about them for this weekend. And I didn´t. We had argued too much about it before. I let things happen. And it was kinda good. We shared the tent, we cuddled, warmed up each other. It was a sort of a relationship, in a twisted way. I´m some sort of expert in twisted relationships...
Of course it didn´t help in bringing me closer to my Blonde Muse. If only it drove us further apart. But never mind the little things.
*Sigh*
I have urges to delete this whole post... It´s going to cause so much pain to so many people. But I promised myself I would write for me. And not to please others.
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